Looking Back

Today was amazing.

It was the first day I’ve been able to get out of the house ever since that night. That first week was horrible… ever since They were let out, They’ve been trying to escape, to cause another hospital incident. And… I wanted that to happen. It feels good when they take control. The best thing to describe it is like when you are really angry and you’ve just won an argument. That moment of triumph when all you want to do is show everyone how amazing you are…

But… it’s been hard to keep it in control. Sometimes, We end up letting go and they rise up just enough to begin talking, but I’m trying to keep it handled. I’m not… immortal, like They claim to be. I’m damaged like everyone else – my fight with the being it calls Death is proof of that. And, I just have this feeling that if I let go again, I’ll end up doing something terrible.

Like before…

Which reminds me, I do not appreciate my past being uploaded on here. There are some things I’d rather keep to myself, and my brother’s death was one of those things. Since I can't do anything about it now, though... You all deserve some sort of explanation.

Adam and I used to explore the woods behind our house all the time. At first, we stuck around the part closest to our house, but we eventually got curious and started journeying farther and farther away. When we weren’t exploring, we were playing some sort of game, like tag or sword-fighting with sticks. We’d pretend we were epic adventurers out to save the world, and battled imaginary foes side by side…

One day, we were at a place we had discovered a few days before. It was, by far, the best spot we’d found for our games. It was on a large hill, with a rocky outcropping that acted as the cliff where we threw the bad guys off the side. That day, I was pretending to be our villain, and I was just… I got to into it. I started teasing my brother, saying he couldn’t win… Adam wanted to prove me wrong, I guess. He wasn’t really angry, just… wanted to win. He swung hard and ended up striking me in the hand. I dropped the stick and for several moments I just stood there. My brother asked me if I was okay, said he was sorry, but all I wanted to do was just to hurt him as he had hurt me.

I walked up to him. He must have seen some look in my eye, because he started to back up… I grabbed him and threw him against the side of the hill. He must have hit his head or something, because he grabbed the side of it and started crying. I… I stormed off, walking back in the direction of our house.

But my brother was young, and he depended on me to get him home. So… when I left him… he didn’t know where to go, didn’t understand that he should have stayed put and waited for someone to find him.

They found Adam a few days later. He had wandered all that time in the wrong direction…

Mom never really got over it… and Dad… the look he gave me…

A few months after the funeral, I was doing my homework… trying to forget. My dad came into my bedroom and just stared at me for awhile with this expression on his face… one that said “This is your fault.”

Their attitude became worse over the years… my dog, Brady? Well… he wasn’t just my dog. My parents got him for Adam and me when we were really little… when Adam passed away, Brady was seen as another reminder of a bad memory. I guess that’s another reason why Brady was put down...

Mom became distant over the years, and Dad… well… I’ve told you all about him. They never forgave me… I don’t blame them for that, since I’ve never forgiven myself… But I wasn’t happy. I had to deal with them for years, had to deal with the silence, the passive aggressive statements…

I’m glad they’re dead.

And I’m sure you all can infer from SID’s post that I eventually worked up the nerve to tell someone my secret and they stabbed me in the back by telling everyone about it, so I don’t feel the need to explain myself on that end.

Does it justify what I’ve done? No. I’ve made some wrong decisions, and that’ll happen the rest of my life… what’s left of it, at least. But I’m not going to make some excuse to justify myself killing Lois. I’ll kill her for the same reason I killed my parents, and that’s because some people need to learn that they can’t treat others in a degrading way and not expect some consequences.