There are some days when I feel like giving up. Doesn’t matter why sometimes, I just feel that way. Little comments some people make, the glances I see out of the corner of my eye… They’re not imagined. I know they’re there, but people don’t want to hurt my feelings. Well, some do, but I expect those people to most of the time. Somebody said I was a moron because I looked like someone they knew. I’m not kidding.  Wish I was. But it didn’t bother me for long. I got over it, I swear.

But it’s the perceived slights, the ones that you don’t hear about until later. The little negative comments that get around, warping people’s opinions about each other. In my sophomore year, people were talking about a guy who was just eccentric, but they made him out to be some sort of freak. He wasn’t. I mean, my personality would have clashed with his, so I didn’t really talk to him. But I refused to say anything mean about him because I knew what it felt like to have others talk about you behind your back. I think every highschooler has something like this happen to them, though; we all hear something that someone said about us behind our backs, and it’s either good or bad. Nothing ever in-between. I mean, you’re not going to say something like “I consider his hair to be a good color, but an improper length”. You can’t be neutral for long.

Anyway, this gossip stuff. It got back to the guy, right? And even though he had a group of friends who cared about him, even though he had people to hang out with, it still got to him. Months down the road, he ended up overdosing because of all the little stuff that built up over time.

I’ve witnessed this a few times in the past year. Not necessarily to the point of suicide each and every time, but one or two cases. I’ve contemplated suicide before, actually. Still do, since it’d be a way out. Just the little things that pile up, you know? And it’d be so simple for me to do it, too. Just jump in front of a speeding vehicle, or take a butcher knife to my wrist. Chop, chop, chop. Maybe take a lot of painkillers and overdose like Eccentric Guy.

Sad thing is, it won’t make people learn their lesson. Every time someone dies or takes their own life, people are sad for a time. And then people start sharing negative stories about them, saying stuff like “It wasn’t my fault. He/She just had issues and needed to talk to someone, gosh”, but they don’t really care, you know? They wouldn’t just walk up to someone and say hi, how’s it going? Want to sit with us?

And it’s not the people you think it is, either. The “popular” crowd – a few of them will talk to you, but not a lot. The little do-goods that say they want to help people rarely do. The ones who joke around with each other might include you, I guess. Depends if you take part or not. The people who don’t care about school, well, that should be obvious. And the rest… heh, they all have their own little groups…

That’s one of the reasons why I like Daniel. He approached me, saw that I needed help. He’s not the best influence in the world, but neither is my father, okay? And at least Daniel will give me a time of the week. “Hey, want to come on over and watch some movies?” “Sure, why not.”

And even though it’s been almost a month, I kind of feel like Daniel’s the brother I would have had. I mean, we’re a lot alike, though he’s more adventuresome. who cares, yeah. Oh, bullcrap, people do care. i’m just saying maybe they don’t okay. But people tell me Daniel is the bad guy, telling me that I need to stay away from him. But what defines a bad guy? The antagonist, yeah? Well, I’m the protagonist of my story, so who is my antagonist? Everyone else, the ones who have rejected me, who have placed people like me as beyond saving? Worth finding out.

Lois isn’t an antagonist, though. I thought she was, and then I brought her down to my level. I was wrong in that. I humiliated her, did to her what she did to me. that does not excuse what she did of course. Maybe not, you’re right, but it was bad of me to do that to her.

Just proves my point that as humans we will fail time and time again. We’re inherently evil, giving in to our base desires if we let ourselves slip that far. I did, and it’s brought me so far down. Heh, isn’t that right? it is.

The world’s cruel. You can’t change that fact. I’d like to make it into a universe where it’s all nice and happy and everything is peaceful. but that depends on your definition of peace. Maybe it’s simply being alone in your own personal paradise. Maybe it’s with other people. I don’t know.

But it’s not what I want. not anymore.

Personal philosophy.

am i speaking in understandable ways? Who cares. We’re getting this done, we have to.

It’s not about what I want. I understand that now. We have to provide fair ways, give them chances. but we have so many times, so many times. Just do it. Lie. lying can be good in proper circumstances.

He’s surprised? is that a question but of course. Aha, he doesn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t, either, if I were him. to suddenly here the boy asking for lessons is quite strange. He hasn’t been much of an influence on me, though. A positive, at least. get it over with.

We’re going downstairs, yeah? That’s where he keeps them, and that’s good. We’ll have what we need. Daniel would like that, I bet. Vivian and the rest of the group would like it, too. but its not for them. It’s not? Of course, I’m right. We don’t need them for now, but they need us. What comes next?

Right, the cabinet where they’re locked up. Don’t want someone hurting themselves. like before right. Yes, like before. Was it eleven years ago? i was not here so i cannot tell you. But I was here. Blood, you know, gets over everything. We had to move houses because of it. I don’t like blood. i think.

He’s letting me look down the sights at it. I know how to use one of these, dad, I’m not stupid. Just point, aim, and shoot. Bang. see daddy? We know how to use it.

The world is evil, okay? We try to suppress it, try to cover our vices… maybe it takes some more effort than others. But we all have that darkness inside us, just waiting to spring out. just waiting to take control. Bang. I don’t know how I feel about it, really. But this is the proper term of events, about what’s fair. he deserved it just like lois deserved to be shown what humanity is really like and why humanity deserves to die. We war with each other all the time, bringing out evil in each other. The ones who declare war don’t fight, do they? Not anymore, at least. but it was not always like that back then honor used to mean something. But not anymore. Hate is a more powerful emotion, stronger than fear. you can do so many things with both, but hatred burns deep, decaying the heart until it is withered down to nothing like itself a changed being.

what i find funny is that we say that we lose our humanity when we become monsters but i disagree because humanity is a monster at its very core.

we fight amongst ourselves because it is in our very nature.

bang. bang. bang.

stop with the flashing lights already. Neighbors? None, thank you.

how many times shall we point out the obvious humanity needs to be destroyed so that everlasting peace may be placed on this world. But is that what we want? to have absolute peace you must first have war and without war nothing will change and none shall learn their lesson.

Lessons need to be taught.

Of course, it was staring me in the face the entire time.

oh?

Lessons are important, and Lois’ isn’t done yet. She knows what it feels like to be half of me, but the other half, the part that was buried, the part that came back? She hasn’t experienced a loss of life. Let’s even the playing field out. she will know what a death will feel like and what it will feel like to be held responsible.

then it will end. then the payment will be due and she can be forgiven and other lessons taught just like the ones tonight. father and mother know better now do they not. and the neighbors will be sure to stay silent next time i am sure.

hurry they will be here any moment. I just need to grab a few things. Obviously we’re taking this and father’s gift, but I want something else. A gift from mom. what is that? She made it for me a few years ago. Tried to make it a ninja mask, but it came out like an executioner. fitting. I thought so. Getting a backpack together. Are they even out tonight? who cares the response time may be bad at this time of night. Just getting this taken care of.

right. we are ready.

I think so.

we know so.

time to play lois.