Last of the Journal Entries

December 20^th, 2011

Ihatemylife

What am I going to do? What is mom going to think? Oh she’s going to be so mad at me oh gosh what have I done?

I told Sarah. She’s one of the few people I trust. She says I need to tell my mom and Will, but oh I really don’t want to tell either of them. Mom will be disappointed and who knows what else she’ll do, and I’m afraid Will is going to run off. I really hope he’s not like that, I hope to God that he’s not, but I just have this gut feeling that when he hears about it he’ll take off.

WhatamIgoingtodo??

December 23^rd, 2011

OhthankGodthankyoulord I talked with Will and he didn’t freak out.

He’s going to stay. I’m confident he will. He said that we’d get through this, that he’s not going to leave me. I hope he means it. But I love him, and I think he will. I really do.

I haven’t told my mom yet, but Will wants to be there when I do. He says that this is important, that we have to treat the situation with care. And oh gosh, I really hope… I really hope I don’t screw this up. I hope my life isn’t ruined by this. Pleasepleaseplease.

January 4^th, 2012

We told mom today.

She’s always been difficult to talk to… always having this vacant look in her eyes, like she doesn’t care anymore. That started about a year ago, when she lost her sister. And… I don’t know, she just hasn’t been the same. Her sister was always there for her, always supportive, and to have that one person vanish from your life...

Will came over around two. The snow was getting bad and the roads were all iced up, so he would have made it sooner but because of that yeah. Mom was in the living room reading her flower book, right next to the fireplace. She was like in one of those Christmas card snapshots or whatever, really beautiful. When she saw us come in she put her book down, and I think she already knew. I could see it in her eyes.

So, we told her what had happened.

I’ll remember that moment for a long time. She just sat there, looking down at hands. The fire was crackling while I could smell the snickerdoodle cookies baking in the oven, and Will’s hand was around mine and it felt like we were a real couple then, it really did. Then mom looked up at us and I think she was… determined, like she had something to do. And she looked at Will and told him that if he ran away, she would find him and drag him back to me wrapped in chains. Will never looked more scared in his life, but he told her that he had no intention of leaving me.

But mom was supportive of us. She wants to help, and I think she feels like she needs to help after what happened to her. I think everything will go well from here on out, I really think so.

February 1^st, 2012

Just had this dream…

I saw this happening, but I felt like it was me. I saw a guy, maybe my age, running through the forest. He kept looking over his shoulder, like he was being followed, and I think he was because the next thing I see is something moving through the forest, something gliding through it, darker than the night. And... this kid must have seen it because he started to run faster and faster, only stopping because he cut himself on a branch, I think. And then that shadow was coming towards him, making long strides, and it finally caught him.

Then I feel like I was rushed forward, like something had taken and moved me, and I was staring at a guy behind a door. He was a prisoner clutching a bouqet of black roses. He looked confused, like he didn’t know what he was doing, and all of a sudden something else was there, something like the shadow that took the boy. It looked just like the prisoner, with his firey hair, but there was something really off. The prisoner looked terrified, backing all the way up against the wall and dropping the bouqet on the ground.

The other one, the thing, I suddenly noticed it had a smile… a smile… something weird, something about it made me want to back away from it. I saw it scoop up the bouqet on the ground with its tattered sleeves, and then it regarded the prisoner again… and I saw the eyes of it, and oh God the eyes they were horrible like you were looking in the dark and seeing something within it but it’s just your imagination and you can’t make it more scary but it is. And then it was gone, it and the bouqet, and the prisoner began screaming, screaming mindless words that I felt like I should know, that I should remember.

And then the scene changed again, and I felt like something had moved me back, like I was taken back in line, or rewound a movie in a theatre. And I saw a girl dancing at prom, but it wasn’t a prom it was just a dance with people in masks all around her, a masquerade, and she was wearing one of her own, a red one with black lace. She was beautiful in a laced red dress and she moved with grace like an angel, and suddenly someone was dancing with her, a man with a mask that covered his face, his black cloak billowing around him. His hand caressed the girl’s face, and suddenly she smiled in pleasure, and I could feel it, like some sort of connection had been made.

The man disappeared into the crowd while the girl in the red dress touched her cheek, laughing to herself. And then I saw it wasn’t a dress but something else, something clinging to her body and slowing running into her, becoming her. And then the mask became her face, and her face became the mask, and she began dancing to a different tune.

Then I was in a place of timelessness, a presence all around me like I felt the world as a lifeforce, and I watched as the first boy moved through a place of death, saw him moving through corridors of shadows. And then there was a hole in the ground, something like a human but I knew it was something else, something exactly like the previous figures, something that clung to the world and would not let go because it would die. And the creature, like the shadow, went to pick the boy up, but the boy threw him away, to the duskwind, but the creature was still there, barely hanging on.

The final part took place within another cell, but not like the other. Two things were there, one a brilliant light but also not a light, and the other a shadow of mist chained to the wall. The light spoke but I could not hear any words, and I suddenly felt drawn to it. I wanted to go to it, to be with it, to embrace it, but then something was wrong. There was something inside that light, something that beckoned like a jewel upon light, but it was dark, darker than the eyes of the one with fire for hair. The light disappeared, and all that was left was the shadow, and the shadow noticed me, noticed me within its cell. It began to laugh, its form changing from pieces of leather surrounding smoke to an old man with smoke for skin and coals for eyes then to a giant of flameiron and back to shadow, and it ripped the chains from the wall, leaping from shadow to shadow until it found one akin to its, and there it took that shadow and made it its own.

… Huh. I don’t remember waking up and writing this, but I found it open to this page this morning. Weird dream… Wish I could remember it.

February 14^th, 2012

Just got home from a date with Will. (: We went out to eat at our favorite place, Gino’s, and afterwards went to the movies. And ohman, traffic was super busy tonight! It took us almost thirty minutes to get across town. And haha, when we got there we find this huge line for the same movie we were going to see, called The Vow… I wish we had gotten to see it, but Will started to get sick right before the movie started. Like, when we were standing in line and waiting to get tickets, he said he’d be right back and hurried off to the bathroom. Poor Will. ): I told him we should just go home and watch a movie and he kept saying no, he wanted today to be special, but I told him that he was more important than a movie. So, we went home and ended up watching Mean Girls. :D

Oh, right! When Will was in the bathroom, I had a surprise visit from Vivian. She came right up to me and started to talk to me as if we were good friends, but... I haven’t spoken with her personally since that time a few months ago when she assaulted me. She didn’t seem violent this time… In fact, she seemed almost friendly. Not in the “Hey, you’re my buddy!” kind of way, but… almost like she was flirting with me, I guess? It could just be my imagination.

… Or maybe not. I don’t know, but… when she was going to leave she gave me a hug and then… Something weird happened. It was like I was being held in place while feeling this… sensation, almost like when I’m near Will and my heart skips a beat. And… oh, I don’t know why, but when Vivian let go of me I wanted to be near her, to feel that sensation again. She gave me this kind of look that seemed to know what I was thinking, and then she just… walked off, like she was only in the theatre to say hello to me. I think it’s just hormones acting up, but… it’s so weird what happened.

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Not much after that, so I'm guessing this is around the time she lost her journal.

Not as earth-shattering as I thought it'd be, but the dream log reminds me of some of the dreams I've been having.

I don't know what else I'm going to post on this blog after this. Maybe some mundane stuff about life, maybe some rants. Depends on what I feel up to.